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Satire

Ideas from the edges of operations, technology, and human absurdity. This is the cinematic lab for experiments, stories, and sharp commentary.

Rants from the Control Room Thought Experiments The Human Side of FM

List of satire pieces under Free Muser.

Systems are technical. Work is human. Great operations need both.
Uptime Data Center Tier System Upgrade

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Uptime Data Center Tier System Upgrade

Free Muser Uptime Institute Has 4 Data Center Tiers. We Need Way More. Like… 400. # The Uptime Institute proudly created four data center tiers: Tier I: “We have electricity.” Tier II: “We have electricity… twice.” Tier III: “We can maintain things without crying.” Tier IV: “We survive the apocalypse.” Cute. But in today’s world of hyperscale cloud, AI workloads, and clients who panic when the Wi Fi drops for 0.2 seconds, four tiers are nowhere near enough. If we want TRUE reliability, TRUE uptime, TRUE operational supremacy… We need at least 400 tiers. Minimum. Because nothing says “resilient infrastructure” like a tiering system so complicated it requires its own PhD. Tier V: The “We Swear It Won’t Break” Tier # This tier guarantees:

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Switching on Office Lights needs to be Process based

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Switching on Office Lights needs to be Process based

Free Muser Due to Stricter HSE Rules, Turning On an Office Light Should Be Made Safer # Once upon a time, turning on an office light was simple. You walked in. You pressed a switch. Light happened. End of story. But that was before HSE discovered electricity is dangerous, humans are incompetent, and switches are basically weapons of mass destruction. Now? Turning on a light requires more safety protocols than launching a space shuttle.

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Sustainability in CRES. Actionable Steps

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Sustainability in CRES. Actionable Steps

Free Muser Sustainability in CRES: Why We Should All Just Become Cavemen Again # Corporate Real Estate Services (CRES) loves sustainability. LOVES it. If sustainability were a person, CRES would have already proposed, married it, and posted 47 LinkedIn carousels about the wedding. Every company now has a “Sustainability Roadmap,” which is basically a glossy PDF that says: “We promise to use fewer resources… eventually… maybe… if the budget committee approves it.” But here’s the truth no one wants to admit: If you REALLY want sustainability, there’s only one solution. Shut everything down. Turn off the lights. Throw away your shoes. Become a caveman. Because apparently, the only truly sustainable building is the one that doesn’t exist.

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Near Miss Reporting Should be done every Waking Moment

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Near Miss Reporting Should be done every Waking Moment

Free Muser Near Miss Reporting Should Be Done Every Waking Moment # Near miss reporting used to be simple. Something almost went wrong? You report it. Done. But that was before HSE realized the truth: Everything is a near miss. All the time. Forever. Which means the only responsible thing to do is report near misses every waking moment, until your entire life becomes one continuous safety confession.

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Meetings Before Meetings. Part of Operational Excellence

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Meetings Before Meetings. Part of Operational Excellence

Free Muser Meetings Before Meetings: Because You Can Never Be Too Prepared in CRES # In most industries, people prepare for meetings by… you know… preparing. But in Corporate Real Estate and Facilities Management? No. That’s far too logical. Here, we prepare for meetings by having more meetings. Because nothing says “operational excellence” like a calendar that looks like a Tetris board having a panic attack.

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Maximizing Acronyms and Qualification Credentials

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Maximizing Acronyms and Qualification Credentials

Free Muser Becoming the #1 Facilities/CRES Professional: Just Collect Every Acronym in Human History # Some people become great by mastering their craft. Others become great by leading teams, solving problems, and delivering results. But in Corporate Real Estate and Facilities Management? No. That’s amateur hour. If you want to be the #1 CRES professional on Earth, there’s only one path: Collect every credential acronym in existence. All of them. Even the ones that don’t exist yet. Because nothing screams “competence” like a LinkedIn headline that looks like someone smashed their keyboard during a seizure.

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High Performance Team Members should be Asset Tagged

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High Performance Team Members should be Asset Tagged

Free Muser Your Actual Top Technical Performers Should Be Asset Tagged and Added to the Asset List # In Facilities and CRES, we track everything: Pumps Panels AHUs Tools Coffee machines The one ladder everyone fights over But the most valuable asset of all? Your top technical performers. And yet… they’re not tagged. They’re not barcoded. They’re not even in the CMMS. This is a crime against asset management. Why Treat Them Like Humans When You Can Treat Them Like Assets? # Think about it:

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From Routine Maintenance to 24/7 Continuous Maximum Maintenance

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From Routine Maintenance to 24/7 Continuous Maximum Maintenance

Free Muser Routine Maintenance Is Dead. Long Live 24/7 Continuous Maintenance. # Some industries believe in “routine maintenance.” A schedule. A plan. A calm, rational approach to asset care. But in Facilities and CRES? No. Routine maintenance is for amateurs, dreamers, and people who still believe in happiness. Real professionals know the truth: If you’re not maintaining everything, everywhere, all at once, 24/7, you’re basically committing corporate terrorism. Because apparently, the moment you skip one PM, the entire building collapses like a Jenga tower made of sadness.

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Every Activity needs PTW and RAMS

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Every Activity needs PTW and RAMS

Free Muser Before Using the Office Kettle, Staff Must Complete RAMS # There was a time — a simpler, more innocent era — when making tea at work involved: Walking to the pantry Turning on the kettle Drinking tea But that was before HSE discovered the kettle is basically a boiling, steaming, electrically charged death machine waiting to unleash chaos. Now? Before you even look at the kettle, you must complete: RAMS — Risk Assessment & Method Statement Because nothing says “competent adult” like needing a 12 page document to boil water. The New HSE Truth: Kettles Are Lethal Weapons # According to modern safety doctrine, kettles are responsible for:

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Employees who work on any Floor above Ground Floor are Effectively Working at Heights

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Employees who work on any Floor above Ground Floor are Effectively Working at Heights

Free Muser Employees Working on Any Floor Above Ground Floor Are Officially “Working at Heights” # Once upon a time, “working at heights” meant something simple: Climbing a ladder Standing on scaffolding Hanging off the side of a building like a Spider Man intern But that was before HSE discovered a terrifying truth: Anything above ground level is technically a height. Therefore, everyone is always working at heights. Congratulations. If you work on the 1st floor, you’re basically a stunt performer now. The New HSE Definition of Height # Old definition: “Any work conducted at a height where a fall could cause injury.” New definition: “Any work conducted anywhere that is not the literal ground.” This includes:

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